“I need to find a REAL man!” or “Where are all the REAL men?” is a familiar cry among forlorn 21st century females. The Real Man. “Real Man” simply being a broad overused term to attempt to describe what they are really seeking: The Alpha Male. Ironically, many women pine for this type of man while simultaneously partaking in fostering a social environment that makes it continually difficult for the man they long for to exist. Difficult, but not impossible. Of course, it’s been this search in vain for an Alpha Male that has led to a complete misunderstanding, and misinterpretation, of what an ‘Alpha Male’; simply the textbook term for the dominant, pack leading male in the primate world, actually is over the years. Alpha Males, in human society, are now defined as everything from men not showing emotion, to being insensitive or rude toward women, or the hyper-sexualized cliché Christian Grey archetype, who is a billionaire by day, and practices BDSM by night. In reality, it is none of those things. Say it three times. ‘Alpha Male’ is NOT a sexual euphemism. ‘Alpha Male’ is not a sexual euphemism. ‘Alpha Male’ is not a sexual euphemism. Ditto for it having little to do with outer appearance, or boisterousness. In the simplest terms, in our modern world, The Alpha Male is the middle ground between the Nice Guy and the Jerk.
There was a time where you did not have a choice. As a woman, for survival and replication, you had to find an alpha male. It was not a matter of preference. Your very ancestors found, aligned with, nurtured, and procreated with Alpha Males. How do we know this? Because if they didn’t, you wouldn’t exist. It was not a sexual fetish, nor a kinky roleplay. If you weren’t aligned with an Alpha Male, you, or your children, didn’t survive. Obviously, and thankfully, times have changed. We now live in a ‘civilized’ society where at the very least you can survive, if not thrive, without an alpha counterpart. You can now lead a perfectly comfortable life with any man, or woman, within reason. But those thousands of years of biological imprinting still exists deep inside all of us. To deny this fact denying the very fabric of who we are, which as a society is one of the few things we are becoming quite adept at.
In my teenage years, I was fortunate to be blessed with some great young women in my life, one in particular. We were together for several years in high school, after I got out of a bad relationship where I was unceremoniously dumped by a cheerleader. Yes. But with this girl, I never once felt like I had to be anything but who I was. We had a healthy relationship, especially by teenage standards. Most importantly, she nurtured me. Because of what was going on in my life, it was exactly what I needed at the time. At the time. That was the blessing, and it was the curse. Because the only problem was that who I was, was an immature 16 year old who thought he knew much more than he did, probably played too many video games, watched too many movies, and who still had a hell of a lot of maturing to do. These girls I dated were all good hearted people (besides that damn cheerleader), bless their hearts, who were and would have been willing to accept me in any form. Had I decided I wanted to essentially stop developing then and there, at 16 years old, or at 18 years old, and remained ‘beta’-me, they very well may have happily accepted that, because they, for whatever reason, cared about me. This would have been the comfortable option, but would have impeded me from reaching my full potential as a man. I also sensed eventually it would not have lasted, as they would eventually grow understandably unsatisfied once the 16 year old boy was a 36 year old man who hadn’t grown in 20 years. For whatever reason, I decided I wanted to keep pushing my development, to make myself uncomfortable, and reach my full potential as a man while there was still time. I thought the finished product would have much more to offer. I lost many good people along the way because of this choice. Many people who would later say I had “changed.” Unfortunately, I still had many mistakes left to make. Mistakes that likely would have damaged my relationship with them anyway. Nevertheless, mistakes that fostered my growth. I’m forever grateful toward them, for what they meant to me. But I was not interested in making anyone who dated me; or wanted to spend their life with me, settle for less, because I myself was not going to be willing to settle for less. Because that was the type of women, and people, that I wanted in my life. Fully matured, fully actualized, and ultimately, fully satisfied.
As I got older, fulfilled some of my potential, and took the steps to become the man I wanted to become, I began to recognize that there was without question a segment of women my age who were willing to date those other types of guys, my former 16 year old self. Except none of these guys were 16. They were in their twenties, or thirties. They were the sum of what I feared I might have become had I stayed in that comfortable cocoon as a teenager. Had good fortune sheltered me. Had adversity not forced me to develop. Arrested development personified. Their ‘girlfriends’ didn’t date these men as much as they looked after, monitored, policed, and essentially, parented them. Society had apparently changed. Suddenly, men didn’t need to be burdened with such responsibilities as working, being the primary bread winner, or leading the way, or really doing much of anything. This was supposedly some sort of victory for all women kind. Now, you merely posed for a few couple pictures for social media, attended family get-togethers, and showed up at a few holiday parties. In turn they got the relationship benefits of the sex, the home cooked meals, all the fixings, and sometimes even being financially supported and housed by the girlfriends! Some of the ladies dating these clowns are actually decent looking too. The treatment of a King, the behavior of a Jester. What a gig.
So why do these women do it? Why don’t they hold them more accountable, or better yet, just go find that “real man” they yearn for? You’ll hear a million reasons why, but never this one. And no it isn’t because the number of “good men are outnumbered by good women.” Treating a chump like a king, or settling for less, doesn’t make one a “good woman”, it just means she’s a poor selector who hasn’t had the fortune of being selected yet. The harsh reality is they date the chump, and they put up with the chump, not out of the kindness of their heart, but rather because most of them are terrified. They are terrified of the alternative, either too scared to ever try it, or terrified because they know it all too well, and don’t ever want to venture out there again.
The ‘alternative’ is the very real, sometimes scary, even painful, struggle of finding an Alpha Male in today’s society. (And even though it is at its worst now, previous decades weren’t overflowing with Alpha Males and great catches either, despite what you may have heard, just ask your mothers. It has never been easy.) These brave seekers have always been the types of women I’ve ended up going for as an adult. I prefer them. I think, if nothing else, there’s something to be admired about their decision to not settle for the chump. I admire that. It is a fine choice. However, due to the sheer overwhelming ratio difference between alpha-males and assholes, these types of women will often end up mired in emotionally, or physically abusive relationships with jerks, some of which won’t recover.
- That unfortunate end result basically boils down to two root causes:
– One, their refusal to date/settle for/fuck the aforementioned chumps.
– And then two, their inability to then differentiate between Alpha Males, and males who are simply arrested development assholes who treat people badly.
Having, or developing, this type of selection skill becomes an absolutely essential ability for young women. Some have to spend most of their prime years wasted on the assholes to develop the ability to determine the middle ground. By the time they determine it, they may be too old, or too emotionally damaged to foster the kind of healthy relationship they were destined for. Many others never develop it, and will be in a steady pattern of assholes and chumps for their rest of their life. They will finally leave the asshole for the chump, then eventually leave the chump for another asshole, repeating this vicious cycle.
Is the trouble of seeking an Alpha Male, a true one, worth it? Is it worth the wait? That is a decision each individual has to make. A challenge one has to accept. An Alpha male will push you more, and expect more from you, than any other personality type you have dated. Due to years of bad programming from dating chumps, it may surprise you to find that it is not enough to merely be a living breathing woman capable of providing sex. And if you are not ready for this, it will be an overwhelming challenge for you, even if you manage to find one. Many women love the finer things that come with dating a successful Alpha Male, but don’t seem to connect the mentality and Alpha personality of the man it took to build and obtain that success, wealth, and lifestyle. They do not consider, nor care, that their personality may not be a match for it. It is difficult to accept this reality. It’s much more appealing for some to read about the fantasy, than do what it takes to live the actual reality.
The difference between an Alpha Male and a Basic male is stark, and as pronounced as the difference between a mere man, and a gentleman. A basic man tries to make a temporary mark. An Alpha Male strives to lasting a impression. A basic man accepts a favor. An Alpha male returns a favor. A basic man gives orders. An Alpha Male inspires. A basic man attempts to fit the mold. An Alpha Male tries to break the mold. The differences are many but it all comes down to this: a basic male, the chump, takes the necessary amount of steps. The Alpha male, the gentleman, takes the extra steps. That is why he is always worth your wait, your steps, and your time.
– Nick Dee